Monday, September 3, 2007

One More Thing

There is a peace that comes from understanding that I don't have to know it all. That there are just some things that will never make sense to me and that I won't understand until I get to Heaven.

Do not confuse this with the phrase ignorance is bliss because it is not that at all. I want to understand, but at a certain point you have to just relinquish the reigns and say, "Ok. I am going to be ok. And if I don't get this now, there is a reason for it."

I just feel like I have been driving myself insane trying to understand my actions along with everyone else's. I give up. If God wants me to know the when, where and the how, then he will make it present to me at the best time.

Sunday, September 2, 2007

Wild at Heart

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I'm reading Wild at Heart for what will be the second time. I want to share with you some of my favorite quotes, things that i've highlighted from the book. I think they identify where I'm struggling and where I'm headed, and what I need.

"Where are all the real men? is regular fare for talk shows and new books. You asked them to become women, I want to say."

"Christ draws the enemy out, exposes him for what he is, and shames him in front of everyone."

"He won't risk, he won't fight, and he won't rescue Eve. Our first father-the first real man-gave into paralysis. He denied his very nature and went passive. And every man after him, every son of Adam, carries in his heart now the same failure. Every man repeats the sin of Adam, everyday."

"Eve is a life giver, she is Adam's ally. It is to both of them that the charter of adventure is given. It will take both of them to sustain life. And they will both need to fight together."

"There comes a time when we simply have to face the challenges in our lives and stop backing down."

"I've noticed when I deny the anger I am feelig it turns into fear."

"begin to taste your true strength and you will want more."

"Remember-a man's addictions are the result of his refusing his strnegth."

"Satan doesn't just throw a thought at us, he throws feelings too."

"All men die, few men ever really live."

"It means he will fight for us, with us, just as he fought for his people all through the ages. So long as we walk with Christ, stay in him, we haven't a thing to fear."

"The masculine journey takes a man away from the woman so that he might return to her. He goes to find his strength, he returns to offer it. He tears down the walls of the tower that has held her with his words and with his actions. He speaks to her heart's deepest question in a thousand ways. Yes, you are lovely. Yes, there is one who will fight for you. But because most men have not yetfought the battle, most women are still in the tower."

These are just a few which I love. The book is filled with more highliter than not. I hope these spoke to your hearts.


Celebrate Recovery

Why is it that only a select people are willing to take an honest look at themselves and realize they are not living up to their full potential? I know a ton of people. I don't think, no offense, I know very many people though who are living at their best. I am just not content and willing to settle for the routine life that so many people follow. I don't want a series of meaningless relationships. I don't want time wasted hungover. I don't want a relationship with god where we barley know eachother and I refuse to not acknowledge the fact that theres more to life than what i've been living the last six years.

I consider myself fortunate and cursed that I am going through this at the age of 23. I sat in a circle with a group of men at a Celebrate Recovery meeting and listened to guys who were on average 20 years my senior talk about their struggles. It was a wake-up call. The majority of the lot had been through rehab more than three times. They had relapsed, collapsed, lost everything and were still there. One thing i noticed was that the spark for life was dead in about 90% of them. That was very saddening.

One at a time I watched them share and as each passed my time grew nearer. I was scared to death. What am I going to tell these guys? It was a true struggle in every sense of the word.

My time came, and passed pretty quickly. I explained a few things about my struggles, they clapped, I felt connected and I listened more. I was going to share with you exactly what I shared with them, but I dont want to risk taking away from the experience. Plus, I know there are some who read this who do not truly care about my journey, just that i'm away from them for what has been six weeks now. If you want to know, ask me by phone, or ask me when I get home next Sunday.

Saturdays Hunt

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Saturday I went white wing dove hunting for opening day. I had no idea what to expect and what I found was certainly not even close to what I thought would be taking place. I have been bird hunting only one other time with Dad, and we hunted quail. The season opened at twelve so bright and early we accomplished some yard work and headed for the Full-O-Pep Ranch.

As we arrived it had just begun to rain, I wasn't sure how this would affect our hunt or if we might even be able to go on it. We sat with the owners of the land and talked until the rain went to a drizzle. Two miles away we headed down a long dirt road until we came to an opening field of sunflowers as far as you could see. In every direction were hunters, all standing about 25 yards from eachother blasting out of the air anything that braved flying through it. It was a bit scary and exciting at first. All around me were hunters, men and women, who I had no idea to what degree they took their safety. Within thirty seconds there were shotgun pellets falling all around me, you could here them hitting the cars, the shed I was next to and with thirty minutes I had been nailed in the thumb to the point it started to bleed. I was kind of shocked, but it curiously made me feel like a hardass. I had afterall just been shot with a shotgun, penetrating my skin, and I was still moving.

Five minutes into the hunt I killed my first bird. For not having shot in a very long time I was pleased with how well I was doing. It flew overhead, I led a couple yards in front of the bird, pulled the trigger and down it came. It was amazing.

There was a very cute blonde standing by and joking with me about killing her birds. I thought about engaging her but to what degree I wondered. How do you strike up conversation in what felt like a battlefield? We ended up chatting and I found out her name is Allison. One thing I learned quickly about Allison was that she has a very nice husband. My shotgun shrank as I shook his hand.

We ended up cooking the birds at a member of the churchs' house. The Hispanic people never cease to amaze me. They are some of the kindest, most accepting people I have ever come across. They all made sure I was fed, entertained and felt welcome.

Thursday, August 30, 2007


So I just got out of SuperBad, and I wasn't that impressed. I was however impressed by the fact that I went by myself to the movies. It is something that used to be a weekly routine for me in New York. Go out and get drunk the night before, wake up and catch the matinee with a sub from the corner bodega, sit in a freezing cold theatre alone and veg and nurse a hangover. Those are some of my best memories of NY, weird right? I like to project myself into a character in a movie and really get into it. The movie was, for the most part abusive language and shock comedy. I enjoyed it, just wouldn't see it again probably. So throughout my projections, I thought what I would be doing at the party scenes, with the girls, etc. At times I missed it, but very briefly. I like to have fun, and go out occasionally, I think just at times it hit a little close to home. At one point, a guy is sitting in the bathroom at a house party alone, lamming drinks getting himself to a place where he could have sex with a girl for the first time. Cue how I lost my virginity? Ha. Anyways, I'm headed to bed. More to come tomorrow.

I'm playingf golf in the morning and going to a group therapy meeting in the PM. I'm actually looking forward to sharing. My newfound honesty and openness with people is enjoyable.

Monday, August 27, 2007

John Mayer Said It Best

"I'm in repair,
I'm not together but I'm getting there."

Friday, August 3, 2007

Click The Links!

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I'm broke as fuuuu right now so do me a favor and click the links floating about the page. Browse said page for a minute, and revert and repeat.


My Game and A Book

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This is a picture of the 18th hole of Rancho Viejo where Coach Phillips lives. That water tower in the back is actually being refurbished right now and will look like a golfball on a tee when they finish. Coachs' house is about 2 miles from that hole.
Last night we played in a golf tournament they hold every Thursday called a Hot Nine. It was a three man scramble and I was fortunate enough to play with Coach Phillips. We had a great time. Although we didn't win the main tourney we did pick up a skin which covered our entry fee. The courses here are very different to that of Jacksonville. The fairways are made up of different grass and the layouts are much longer. I hit the ball really well, given too that I didn't have my own sticks. I am thinking when I get back I will get my teaching license and start giving lessons, maybe get a job at a golf course in town. The only requirement is that you shoot under a certain number over a two day period, count it?
I have been reading a book called, The Dream Giver, that Damon picked up for me. This book is spot on for what I am going through right now. I will give you a brief description of what I mean. It is about a boy named, Ordinary, who grows up in a town called Familiar. One day Ordinary has a dream and decides to leave his Familiar town and pursue it. He finds with each step he takes away from Familair he is relieved yet frightened and anxious. At one point he decides to head back to Familiar but the Dream Giver assures him that he will be with him. He has all kinds of obstacles to overcome to achieve his dream but realizes it is the only option he has. Sounds eerily familiar, right? It is inspirational to read. If you have any suggestions on other books that will be insightful during this time don't hesitate to let me know what they are.

Im gonna kick this 40 days' ass!

Thursday, August 2, 2007

This Is Going To Be A Long 40 Days

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Time here in Texas almost seems to stand still. I'm not sure why that is but I feel like if I were in Jacksonville it would be 4 days from now. This morning after Damon left I had the distinct honor of joining one of Brownsvilles' most elitist inner circles, they go by, (Duh Duh Duh Music) The Mall Walkers. It is a group of older men and women who walk in circles at the mall before it opens. I had all kinds of insightful conversations and learned many things that will no doubt chang my life; for example, did you know that the average recovery time for hip replacement surgery is 3 1/2 weeks? Or that the Bingo game at the local Shriners' Chapter is rigged? (Doris is still collecting evidence so let us not jump the gun) I'm sorry, I'm trying very hard to keep my chin up, but this is just a lifestyle I have never encountered. Its not bad, its just different, and at first discovery people like myself often associate bad with different. I'm giving it a chance. Love you all.

Wednesday, August 1, 2007

What Am I Doing Here?

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I am asking myself that question right this moment. How could I have allowed myself to get so bad that I need time away in order to regain control of my life, and to give God control again. I am afraid, scared shitless in fact, by the unknown. On the same level though I am excited by the unknown because my life has been so predictable the last couple of years. Wake up, whenever that is, eat, play some cards, perhaps play golf, eat again, not leave the neighborhood and go to sleep. Pathetic. I finally grew so tired of that routine I had to leave. I miss my family, all of them. Specifically, I miss my boys and I miss Brittani so much. I am praying that God either restores my marriage or releases me from these feelings. Keep me in your prayers, I will need them more now than ever.